Friday, March 26, 2010

I love you enough to tell you the truth. Really.

Well Spring has sprung in the south. I know that I am an opinionated person and this blog will be no different. I see things everyday that cause me to shake my head and here I will address these issues. There are fashion trends and just faux pas everywhere and it must be said that I am more than disgusted by them. You will ask without a doubt, who is she to make these judgments? I was a bridal consultant for 9.5 years. I am a stylish southern female. I was blessed by my sainted Granny who, as we say here, “raised me right.” I grew up in the Appalachian mountains. All of these things have been and are being done by people who are related to me. It is one of the only entertainments afforded me when I step back in time going home. I am a catty bitch. However, I feel that fair warning must be given before I begin to make fun anyone. So here goes.

First, just because Easter is around the corner, that is no excuse for hideous white dress shoes. If you are over the age of 7, you should never, ever have white dress shoes anywhere for any purpose. They should be outlawed unless they are designed for some sports purpose. There is nothing tackier on the planet. Say this word with me ladies, “Taupe” or “Bone.” Yes, that’s it! You can do it! While we are discussing the subject, white tights are also for small children. They make your legs look like tree trunks even if you weigh 12 lbs. There is also no such thing as nude panty hose. Suntan is orange. Yes I said it. They are orange. Unless you are an Umpaloopa, bitch that ain’t nude. If you must wear hose, please invest a little time and energy in finding something at least close to the color you are in real life. They have them, I swear to God they really do! Let us summarize by saying this, if you don’t have ruffled panties on with your Easter Dress, white shoes and white tights are not acceptable for public consumption. Bone, taupe or some other form of neutral blend into the leg and make you look leaner and taller. And in what world is that not a good idea??

And while on the subject of white, the benchmark for wearing white clothes is actually Memorial Day, not Easter. White pants on Easter Monday will draw cackles from the peanut gallery. For the love of the children, when you do break them out, under no circumstances do you wear white panties under them. Underwear issues are addressed later in the blog.  

Second, open toed shoes with hose is an amateur move. Period. I don’t care what your grandmother does or what some celebrity does, this is uncalled for under any circumstances. No one wants to see your toes all smashed up in them. You have opened the door to the jail cell and made them stay inside. Free your mind and your feet! Also, in this day and age, there is no excuse for ugly feet.  Support the economy and go see a professional to straighten up the damage you did during the winter. You can do upkeep yourself. A little polish and a nail file does wonders. If your feet look like a Hobbit, its disgusting. As far as footwear goes, please buy shoes that fit. If you have big feet everyone knows it. Its not a secret. There are no smaller size that will minimize like bras. Furthermore, they cause your ugly feet by making those god awful corns. Your big feet in tiny shoes look like you are baking bread and furthermore they make you mean because your feet hurt. Be proud of your big feet, they just mean you have a firm foundation. Along the same train of thought,  your toes hanging over the front of your shoes make you look like a gorilla, specifically if you have on a flip-flop style and are grasping at the floor with your toes. That’s just nasty. Also ladies, if you cannot gracefully walk around your house in some sky-high hooker heels, then walking into a restaurant or other public event is a recipe for disaster. There is no shame in not being able to walk in them, practice in private before you embarrass yourself in public. You are not sexy stumbling like you are drunk or falling on some cobblestones. I will be crying with laughter as I help you get up.  To summarize this lets all say together, if you are to set your toes free, don’t just show them daylight and make sure they are pretty. Be proud of your firm foundation. If you can’t find the cute shoes in your size, be well aware there are other cute shoes. Ain’t just everything for everybody. Take your ass to another store and find something that fits because my ribs hurt from making fun of you. Practice makes perfect in stripper shoes.

Third, I have no urge to see your bra straps hanging out from under your sleeveless shirts. I have no idea who it was that conceived this was fashionable, but they lied. Yes, they lied. Somewhere they are laughing at you for having black bras straps hanging out of your pink tank top. This is why God made racer back bras! Myself, I am pointing while I am laughing. Its as bad as your thong sticking out the top of your damned jeans. You are not Brittney Spears. Looking at parts of your underwear hanging out of your clothes is gauche. Furthermore, don’t wear a white bra with a sheer white shirt. That’s why they make nude. Darker girls, under no circumstances put black under a light colored thin shirt. You might as well not have on a shirt and a bitch will go to jail for that shit. Again, find something closer to what you are in real life. Also, industrial strength undergarments are fine, but ain’t nobody thinks they are sexy. I have my own things to keep jiggle to a minimum, but they are supposed to be a secret. To summarize this, underwear means it goes under your outerwear. If it were supposed to stick out, it would be called “sticking out wear.”

Lastly, if you have to ask someone, “Is this too short?” or “Is this too tight?” then you know the answer is yes. If you bend over and all of your business is hanging out, bitch that’s not a dress, it’s a shirt. A camel toe is not attractive, that’s why they make fun of them on the internet. There is nothing more unattractive than watching someone fight their clothes all day or all night. Your discomfort and your lack of confidence shows. We know, that you know, that its wrong. Unless you live in a cave, you have a mirror. Use it.

I am not saying “run out and buy a new wardrobe.” I am not saying everything you touch is wrong and you should stay inside. I am saying that if I see you in any of these situations I will stop point and laugh. But it doesn’t make me love you any less. I just love you enough to tell you the truth.