The last week or so has been a real learning experience for me. There have been some fantastic highs and some horrendous lows, but I am still here. I have chosen to see it all as a course I really didn't want to audit in college and these are my notes.
First, I'm learning to let go of things. All i can control is me and my actions. Sometimes it's not the problem but how one reacts to it that determines the amount of havoc it wreaks in your life. Just like they told us in science class, "Every action has an equal and an opposite reaction." For instance, the man from the Utility company knocked on my door last week to inform me that my meter was reading that I used 33,000 gallons of water in the month of October. He must have thought I was going to fly off the handle because when I opened the door he looked like he was expecting Satan and evidently his boots were really interesting since he was staring at them when he gave me the news. (My normal usage is about 4,ooo gallons. Just so we understand the magnitude of this issue, an in ground pool uses between 22,000 and 27,ooo. I do not now, nor have I ever had a pool. This means the water bill would be somewhere in the range of $130 rather than the normal $16.) The absurdity of the situation actually made me laugh. Because I laughed, he laughed. When we investigated, we discovered that one of my outside spigots had cracked and was leaking. The nice man wrote me a ticket about the leak and I called a friend who's husband is somewhat of a handyman. The replacement came from a home store and cost all of $6. My friends came over and replaced it in about 20 minutes. When I took the paperwork to the offices, we cut a nice deal for me to pay half the bill. They even spread it out over 4 months to make it even easier. Had Satan answered the door as expected, I wouldn't have known about the leak and I would have had to pay the entire bill. All I could control in this situation was my reaction to the issue. When I controlled me, the rest of it handled itself. Just like Granny always said "Don't write a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash."
Second, I am learning who I am and where I want to go in life. All I really need is the love of my son, a job I enjoy and to be happy. I am looking forward to a lot of things including probably going back to school. I want to use the things I know and what i have been through for a good purpose. I don't want it all to have been in vain. So I am looking into beginning my studies after the first of the year. As far as my son goes, the best thing I can do for him is to be a good example. He needs to see me rise from these ashes a better and stronger person. The other thing I have to do is let him make a mistake or two on his own. If I don't let him fall, he will never learn to get up. As hard as it will be for me to do, I have to let him grow up and be the man he is meant to be. He knows how much I love him, but I have to love him enough to let him go. It will be quite an adjustment for both of us but it will make us stronger. We have been through hell, shoulder to shoulder, and now we need to stand, each of us, alone. Being happy is another matter. All I can say is that I have really good people around me who want to see me happy. These people call, email, text or come over just when I need them most. Because I was blinded in my grief, I couldn't see what was going on around me at times. They pushed me to cut every bit of drama, stress and negativity away from me that I could find in my life. I was hard headed about clinging to some people that were bad for me and I had to see them for myself. But walking away from all of it was the best decision I could have ever made. I am a lucky girl to have real friends who love me. Granny used to tell me when I wasn't seeing what she wanted me to, or I wouldn't heed her warnings "A hard head makes for a soft ass."
Third, I'm learning to not rip open my wounds and bleed for just anybody about anything. I'm growing a little tougher skin these days. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and anyone who actually knows me knows this is true. Everybody talks about somebody, and I suppose if they're talking about me, they're giving someone else a rest. I just stick on a pair rockstar sunglasses and keep it moving. Like Granny always said "It's not what people call you, it's what you answer to."